What's wrong Bartz?
by SoaringBallad
Summary: There is something wrong with Bartz, but Lenna and Faris don't want to do anything about it. It's up to Krile and an unlikely helper to get to the bottom of it. Happy Birthday OMFGhehehe


**AN: This is a birthday fic for my sister, who likes this pairing… I don't know if she was joking or not… Anyway, it's ****very**** slightly cracky. (Well the concept is, not the work though!) Just the way she likes things…**

**Warning: Contains crack, hungry people, spoilers, a surprise, and mentions of boyxboy.**

She ducked as the plate smashed against the wall behind her. Who knew Bartz could be so violent. So what if Koko was pregnant, that didn't mean he had to give up Boko. He was acting like it was the end of the world… which technically was coming up.

"Why are you so mad?" Lenna questioned, also surprised at Bartz's violent nature. Krile was hiding behind her, frightened she would be the next target. Lenna patted her head and coaxed her to come out of her hiding place.

"It's not like you have to give up Boko," Faris said. She was not really as concerned as she may have sounded about the whole thing, she was formulating plans about taking the first child that popped out of Koko… maybe she could do the whole Rumpilstiltzkin thing, it's not like a chocobo can say anything but 'wark' and 'kweh'. Bartz ignored them and picked up an expensive looking vase. He eyed Krile with a look of pure evil in his eyes. The girl screamed and ran from the room. Bartz sighed and set it down.

"What has got your panties in a knot boy!" exclaimed Lenna, exasperated. Faris snickered when Bartz blushed.

"Geez Lenna, that was a low blow… and… well it's not about Boko per say, and well it kinda is, but it's not his fault, it's mine, I should have told someone, I was stupid, hey at least I'm twenty, oh wow, this'll be hard, anyway, I like pie, can we get some, and Boko's always been a good friend, and has done nothing to upset me thus far, except for this time, and it's not completely all his fault, it's mine, and Koko's, and the pirates, and you know, a bunch of other people, who had nothing to do with it, or are so irrelevant I don't want to- what am I talking about again?" Bartz looked at the girls with a puzzled look on his face.

"Can you condense that for us?"

"Condense what?" Two face-palms could be heard.

"I give up!" Lenna whined, going to find Krile. Faris followed her out. They informed the girl of what they learned… the only thing they could remember was how delicious pie sounded. After much (little) discussing, they left to find one.

"Don't you think we should have invited Bartz," Krile said. She was always thinking of others, when it had a gain for herself.

"No!" Faris cried, "He's steamed about something and it's best to just let him simmer for a while, like broccoli in soup."

"Nice food reference," Lenna complimented daydreaming about broccoli soup. She sighed. Finishing her pie, she commented that they should get some soup.

"Don't you think this is a little out of order?" asked Krile, "We had dessert before dinner!" The adults shook their heads, assuring her it was completely normal, and people did it all the time. Krile decided to go along with it for lack of anything better to say… it's not like she had any proof.

"Do you think we should bring some back to Bartz, he's probably hungry." Lenna said. She was always worrying about people she was trying to ignore.

"No!" Faris yelled, "He can get his own damn food." Lenna sighed at the stubbornness of her sister, and finished her soup. She decided they would pick up some food at the grocery store for Bartz, but she needed a plan to get them there.

"I know the best place to get sourdough bread," Lenna started. At the mention of food her two teammates were wrapped around her finger, ready to head her beck and call. Or at least that is what she daydreamed.

"Take us!" Krile chirped happily, having a stomach much like her father's.

"Alright, follow me." With that, the group left the restaurant. Heading down the road to Kroger's, Krile was left with her thoughts. She wanted to know what was wrong with Bartz, but she doubted he would ever just straight out tell them. Lenna and Faris were no help, and she couldn't do this herself. Seeing a shooting star, Krile wished she would be able to get to the bottom of this before something bad happened.

XxX

"That is the best sourdough bread!" exclaimed Faris, still munching on a piece drowned in butter and wine. She was slightly tipsy, and had not noticed Lenna buying a bunch of food for Bartz, whose stomach was like a bottomless pit.

"Hey Lenna, I'll take the food to him while you distract your sister," whispered Krile. Lenna trusted the little girl very much, and knew she would do what she said, so she handed the food to her.

"Alright honey, let me know if you find something out." Lenna took Faris to the local pub, praying that Krile would make it home safely. Who knew what types of people were wandering around the streets on a night like this.

Krile was beginning to get scared. The streets seemed dark and frightening when you were alone. She tried to stay in the dark and out of eyesight, but she didn't want to get too close to the shadows… people were already lurking in there. As soon as she could see the hotel, relief washed over her, and she sped up her pace. What she didn't know was someone was watching her. Before she could enter the building, a hand grabbed her arm. Krile began to scream, and started writhing in the persons grasp.

"Boo!" said a not frightening, but yet not friendly voice. The girl calmed down instantly, knowing she wasn't going to be beat or raped.

"Gilgamesh, don't scare me like that!" She pulled him into the inn lobby.

"What ya doin' here kiddo?" asked the once enemy. Even though he never said he was joining their side, she still felt at ease with the man. He didn't try to harm them, and he tried to help them sometimes… so maybe…

"Well, I'm not going to lie, Bartz has been acting kind of funny, and we don't know what's wrong with him…" Krile admitted. Gilgamesh pondered for a moment, and then told her he would have to see him to get a better feel for the situation. Krile led him to the room and knocked cautiously.

"Go away!" yelled Bartz moodily. Gilgamesh chuckled slightly at this and opened the door. He walked in and towards Bartz. Throwing his arms around the man, he lifted him off the ground.

"It's good to see ya buddy!" Gilgamesh said happily. He squeezed tightly, and the man in his arms had started struggling to escape.

"Um, I can't breathe," Bartz said. Gilgamesh set him down. Bartz's arms immediately encircled his middle. Gilgamesh patted the boy on the head and asked him if he wanted any food. Bartz nodded his head eagerly, and Krile picked up the bag, finding a note from Lenna.

_Sorry if the bags heavy, Bartz's been eating a ton lately, and it's beginning to show! XD_

_ -Lenna_

Krile gasped, now making sense of it all. She knew what was going on, but… HOW? Gilgamesh saw her face handed the bag to Bartz, and read the note… all at the same time. Bartz was too busy eating to take notice of his friend's shocked faces… well face, Gilgamesh knew all along, or at least that's what he claims later.

"You guys are staring at me like I just took off my clothes and revealed myself as a woman!" Bartz exclaimed. Krile noted the irony in that line but shrugged it off, and hoping she remembered it to tell her grandchildren.

"Well, you are pregnant," Gilgamesh tried to sound casual so Bartz wouldn't freak out, but it had the opposite effect.

"WHAT HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT, OMG DID YOU RUIN KRILE'S INNOCENT MIND? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW, OMG, OMG, OMGMO!" Bartz begun running in circles, then collapsed to the ground with heaving sobs.

"Well there was the mood swings, the fact that you eat a lot and it's showing, and that you protected your middle section," said Krile nodding her head. She was pretty smart for a girl her age, waiting for compliments, she tapped her foot and made a "ahem" noise. As if on cue, Gilgamesh spoke.

"You are really smart for a girl your age!" Krile became proud and sat down. "But, if you were extremely smart for a girl your age, you would tell me how, and with whom…" The last question made Krile's head gears turn. She hadn't thought of that. They had only really been traveling with the group, which was Bartz, Lenna, Faris, herself, and… Galuf… Krile's eyes widened, and she looked at Bartz. Said man had a sheepish grin on his face.

"Why don't you just tell us the how for now," Gilgamesh said, not wanting to overwhelm the girl's young mind.

XxX

"Annn thhhhen aye tooold thhhhhhhhheee *hic* guyyy, he couuulld fuuuuckkkkkkkkk offffff!" Faris said drunkenly. Lenna sighed, hating dragging the woman around when she was like this. The sooner they got to the inn the better… And judging by the distance, it looked like it would be another few seconds.

"We're home," Lenna said, wondering why she was sometimes stupid in the head… she must have lost some IQ after hanging around drunk Faris, and sober Bartz. Wondering why her life had to end up this way, and muttering "FML" Lenna grabbed a bag cart, and put Faris on it. Wheeling her drunken sister around was more fun than it seemed. In fact, Lenna actually liked this part of the whole trip. The strange looks she received were worth it. She had the key in the door when a loud yell interrupted her actions.

"You're my new grandma!?" Wondering what was going on, Lenna threw open the door, and roughly shoved the cart in. Leaving her sister be for a while, she went into the tiny living room.

"What's going on she asked?" Expecting only Bartz and Krile there, she was surprised by Gilgamesh hugging her.

"I don't know if you really want to know, but Bartz is preggers with Krile's aunt or uncle." Lenna was confused at first, but it clicked in her brain how that could work.

"You're pregnant with Galuf's child!?" Faris had sobered up and entered the room staring at Bartz.

"Well that explains a lot," Lenna admitted. "Though I find it weird…"

"You were jealous of Koko stealing your thunder," Faris said, now making sense of the earlier conversation.

"And, that's why it was a good thing your twenty, and why it's going to be hard. You'll have to raise the child without his/her father." Lenna became sappy at the thought, and patted the man on the head. "It's okay dear; we'll help you raise it!"

"OMG, that's like super awkward," Krile said, "My aunt is going to be raised like my little sister, since you know, Galuf left you in charge of me."

"Hey, we'll make it work, don't worry," Bartz said optimistically. "Maybe we can tell her she's your little sister."

"I've always wanted a little sister to annoy me!" Krile said sarcastically.

"So… about the whole saving the world thing…" Faris started.

"Don't worry, I've got the answer. We marry Bartz off to ExDeath, and he murders him in his sleep!" Gilgamesh said.

"Oh really, that's not going to work…"

"You never know until you try."

"Dear god, kill me now!"

"You mean 'us', your baby would die too."

"Dear god, kill us now!"


End file.
